When you're Gone
by yume girl 91
Summary: He lost her once and was forced to live with only the memory of her. Now years later...they meet again. IchiRuki.
1. What was

~When you're Gone~

It wasn't supposed to happen this way.

**This **wasn't supposed to have happened.

At least that was what his mind kept repeating over and over to itself. As if by whispering the possible it could make it the impossible.

Renji wasn't standing so still and quiet with the other Lieutenants.

The grief mirrored in their faces wasn't real.

No. No more real then Orihime's hand shyly sliding over the back of his, silently asking for acceptance. Unconsciously his fingers tightened, the blunt tips of the nails digging into his palms. She didn't try anymore after that.

Ukitake's voice washed over him for a minute, bringing everything into painful reality.

"Rukia Kuchiki will be missed by all. We will always remember her and keep her in our hearts."

Respective silence fell. Heads were bowed in memory of the Soulreaper with the most beautiful sword in all of Seireitei.

His didn't lower.

Byakuya had called her sister, his face revealed little emotion past his mask. But Ichigo had seen it break when the Noble had learned of her demise.

Ukitake had been her Captain and he appeared frailer than before. He had seen too many deaths of his subordinates and was tired.

Renji had known her since childhood. Maybe if he had known what awaited one part of their team on the other side of Hueco Mundo, he wouldn't have allowed her to go alone.

Maybe _he_ wouldn't have either.

_Dead_. Ichigo let the word sink in. Fill his insides until the word was etched into his mind. _Rukia was dead_.

He remained standing while his world shattered into a million pieces.

~To be continued~

Disclaimer: don't own Bleach.

AN: thanks for reading :)

No flames-haters-stupid comments!

Reviews appreciated! :)


	2. What was left

Still no tears fell.

Not on the outside. Inside, he was drowning.

They couldn't understand; Orihime with her falsely bright smile constantly at his side.

Yes, she was hurt. She had been the captive, she had witnessed his battles and struggle all to retrieve her. Maybe that was what fueled her hopes.

If he had gone through so much to rescue her then he must feel something else besides friendship.

He must care for her.

And if he cared for her then he must...

Ichigo looked into her eyes and saw them shine with tears for Rukia, but glow with the hope of something else. The words he dreaded hearing spilled forth; on Matsumoto's orders, they were left alone.

"I don't expect you--I mean--I know it's silly of me to hope b-but, I-Ichigo, I--"

"Don't." He began walking away; the sun was setting low over the realm of the dead. Already the shadows were creeping onto her resting place. It was a mere pretense to offer solace for those left behind. _Everyone knew that when a Soulreaper died, their body disintegrated into spirit particles becoming a part of the world_.

Now she was a part of Hueco Mundo.

"I'll wait for forever if that's how long it'll take!" Orihime's voice momentarily made him stop in his tracks. He knew he should say something. Say anything that would get her to cease these foolish hopes. _Find somebody!_ His mind screamed_. Anybody but me!_

Instead, he gave a half-hearted back wave; temporarily fooling himself and her.

_Maybe_, it meant.

Maybe one day he would forget the woman who had changed his life, who without knowing it became everything. But _she_ never knew. He regretted now those words he had swallowed before they had parted ways down the five paths.

_Come back, because you're everything to me_.

~To be continued~

AN: *-* Thanks for reading!

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Please review! ^^


	3. What became of he who was left behind

The pent up flood gates broke one week after they had all come back from Seireitei.

He didn't question why his grief hadn't consumed him in the beginning. The denial had. The refusal to accept what was right in front of him, the truth lying in a puddle of blood and the frost remaining after the body had faded away.

_"Rukia..." _

No more would he be subjected to the midgets punches or kicks. Her fiery words would no longer strike a chord in his soul. No longer would they be able to fight side by side...

The loss hit him hard.

For the second time in his life he had experienced it.

But, this time there was no Rukia to tell him to suck it up and face the world with defiance.

Maybe that was why _they_ came.

Five months into the new year, two before his sixteenth birthday; Renji and Hitsugaya came with a proposition from Soul Society.

For as long as he attended the Soul Academy he could go back and forth between the afterlife and the living world; until the day he graduated to become a full-fledged member of the Court Guard Squads that is.

Then he would officially die.

~*~

The prospect was sobering to say the least. Death at the end of the six-year curriculum. He would be aged twenty-one still young, still powerful, but trained now to take up whatever position was offered; though _Toshiro_ had hinted that one of the three vacant Captains seats might be held for him, if he passed everything.

~*~

It took a day for him to decide.

But in the end it was the worried knock of his dad, reminding him yet again of the excuses made for his absence in class, that finally drove him to snatch the Soul badge and out the window to where the Soulreapers were waiting.

Deep down in his heart, he knew Isshin wouldn't approve; but he couldn't bring himself to care about parental consent anymore. Since where was the parent-child trust in the secret his dad had been hiding?

~Hitsugaya's p.o.v~

"I'll do it." His answer was spoken with little or no emotion as if he didn't quite care anymore what happened and was simply going along because there was nothing better to do.

His dispassionate response might've evoked worry or some other like emotion in the minds and hearts of those who knew him best; save for a conversation Hitsugaya had with Kisuke Urahara before making his way to Ichigo's window later on.

Ichigo had been enlightened upon questioning what happened to Soulreapers whom had died, what became of **their souls.**

Not one to give hope where there was none; Urahara had calmly said, even though knowing of his reason for asking: "that he simply didn't know. But commonly it was assumed that most-or all eventually found their way back to the Rukongai to be sorted once again into the Soulreaper ranks or to be reborn into life."

The realization then struck Hitsugaya, watching Ichigo's shadowed face and lack of expression; Urahara's veiled intimations hadn't made sense until then..._that...he was waiting for her to appear again._

Not even Abarai had that hope.

_After all it was ridiculous to expect that a Soulreaper whom had died far away in another world could come back_...Hitsugaya's cold logic rationalized that, but somehow...

It just seemed sad.

So, he said nothing, save for clapping the deputy Soulreaper on the arm as he passed, saying only, "I'll tell them of your decision. Formal arrangements will be made and you'll be contacted again in due time. Until then...Kurosaki, I hope that what you're waiting for _will come to pass_."

He was surprised by the quiet; "Thanks, _Hitsugaya_."

That was the first time Ichigo had ever spoken to him using _Hitsugaya_.

The "it's Captain Hitsugaya, to you." seemed out of place. And even though Hitsugaya told himself he preferred this less personal way of address, he couldn't shake off the thought _that he actually missed correcting Kurosaki on using proper honorifics_.

~To be continued~

AN: next chapter, they meet again. Thanks to everyone who reviewed last time.

No flames-haters-stupid comments!

Reviews appreciated :)


	4. Nostalgia

Paperwork. That's all there ever was nowadays. It reminded him briefly of a time when it was homework and problems to figure rather than budgets and new trainees. The remembrance didn't bring a smile to his face. Nothing much did anymore.

Not Yachiru's antics when Kenpachi came around or even Matsumoto's frequent offers to a drink of sake now that he was of age.

They came less often now and more than likely Hitsugaya's Lieutenant would watch him with quiet, pitying gray eyes.

They had learned to stay their helping hands now.

Ichigo refused to hear it.

Few if any understood his loss and knew that he was dealing with it in his own way. _Her_ brother was one who could maybe understand part of it; Byakuya knew the pain of being unable to keep a promise and seeing the person he cared for die because of his inability. But maybe because of the way she had died, some part of the cold Noble had accepted the scar as war wounds. One that would never quite heal but wouldn't disrupt his life.

Ichigo was willing to bet the Kuchiki Noble didn't scan the registries of new applicants to the Soul academy every month. Or at least wasn't public about it. Ichigo himself had the newest bound copy on his desk, brought in by the ever-dutiful Hinamori. A cup of freshly made tea was at his elbow, gentle curls of steam arose and he blew lightly on it before sipping some.

This was routine.

Like always he misjudged it and the liquid burned the back of his throat.

Then, he would lay it aside and take up the document.

Always a flutter of nervousness would stir his system as his eyes traveled over the first names. _Was she one of them?_ If a name appeared promising or the age seemed appropriate, Ichigo would make a note on a spare piece of parchment and have someone from his Squad dispatched to check along with _her_ description.

Sometimes his heart would leap, and his quill would scratch eagerly over the surface of the paper. _But in the end_...

The door slid open quietly.

His hand stopped in the curved box of a kanji character.

Ichigo looked up.

It wasn't Hinamori back from Kira's Division.

"Kurosaki...kun?" It was Inoue, rounded cheeks and orange bangs framing her face-almost prettily. She had made the third seat of Unohana's Squad. "Can we talk?" she had looked shyly down expecting to be denied.

Ichigo stared for a long moment at his friend of many years, grown into a woman now. Gone was the ditzy, innocent girl of his youth. _Alive_. His mind repeated, insistent that he return to the handwritten page beneath his hand. _She's__ alive_. Ichigo looked down at his own writing and for the first time saw the futileness of it then his gaze rose to Inoue motionless in the doorway.

He smiled slightly, "sure. We haven't spoken in ages."

~*~

She was waiting.

Always had been for him to turn her way.

Orihime could barely believe the faint smile that lit up his face, but never quite reached his eyes. Her heart ached but she cheerfully entered anyway. _One day_...she didn't miss that he had set aside the list of students applying for the academy. In fact she rejoiced a little more inside because of it. Maybe now...

Now she could fill the hole left by Kuchiki-san in his heart.

~*~

"Captain..."

This was a surprise. But not entirely an unpleasant one. Hitsugaya usually disliked surprises of any kind. "And what brings you to the office, Matsumoto?" The woman most of the time avoided the place and her desk as well the paperwork Hitsugaya had placed upon it, like the plague. It was well-known this fact, but for once he noticed there was something strange with her.

She kept glancing around and the strangest expression was on her face, "Captain Hitsugaya...I have something to tell you."

His brow rose. Her manner was odd enough, but the tone of her voice had an urgency that made him pause to fold his hands upon the desk, setting aside his quill and compose himself for whatever news she had brought. "Go on."

"But, Captain...before I do, I want you to promise me that you will not speak a word of this to Ichigo-kun."

_Kurosaki? _Hitsugaya wondered at the need for such a request. _What would --unless it was about his_..._family?_ Hitsugaya saw no reason for the secrecy but shrugged slightly, "you have my word."

A look of relief had crossed Matsumoto's face, "thank you, Captain. I was afraid for Orihime-chan."

"What does this--" Now he was starting to get perplexed.

"We've found _her_." His Lieutenant cut in.

His eyes widened, "you mean-"

"Rukia Kuchiki, or what had once been her." Matsumoto continued on somberly.

"Well, for God sakes, why haven't you told Kuro-" realization struck.

"Orihime-chan caught up to me on my way here. She said Ichigo asked her out."

"But..." Hitsugaya recalled Kurosaki's steadfast waiting, his small hands fisted, "if Rukia Kuchiki is here--"

"What Ichigo needs," Matsumoto said as if she hadn't heard him, "is a clean break. To forget the past. Orihime-chan can soothe the wounds in his heart and mind. I've no doubt she can do it."

Hitsugaya felt something was missing, the final piece to the puzzle. The explanation for his Lieutenant's heartlessness toward Kurosaki. _He had been waiting for her...for so long_. _And to keep._..

"Matsumoto." Hitsugaya kept his voice calm, "where is Rukia Kuchiki?"

..._them apart_...

She said in a whisper and he finally understood her reasoning.

_Was a mercy to them both_.

~*~

Ichigo didn't understand Hitsugaya's looks to him.

Filled with compassion and something else.

He tried dismissing it as the latest wave of pity he didn't want-didn't need.

And tried to focus on Inoue's smiling happy face.

Tried to be the attentive date to her and feel things he wasn't.

Ichigo was almost glad to see an agent of SoiFong's slip from the shadows and interrupt them halfway through the date.

_Urgent summons from the Division one, he was to come immediately._

It was with a quick step and hasty apology to Inoue to make it up some other time, that Ichigo left. _Only vaguely wondering what the exigency was. Perhaps something to do with the living world-?_

~*~

"Head Captain, please! I beg of you!" Hitsugaya had never begged for a boon to his Squad or to be favored with the First Division Captain, yet he was almost invariably called for counsel on important matters and this night was one such time.

But, he did not wish this.

The old man inclined his head, "you object, Captain Hitsugaya? On what grounds?"

Hitsugaya knew he couldn't speak them aloud, not when Byakuya Kuchiki was present as well, instead he began carefully after a moment, "I just ask that Captain Kurosaki not be--"

"What?"

The voice came from the other end of the room. Hitsugaya turned slowly to face the scowling orange-haired Soulreaper. "I ask to go in..his place. I will handle whatever I encounter there."

For a time it was silent, then Yamamoto pronounced his judgment, "you will not, Captain Hitsugaya. It is a simple matter and as well as it involves Captain Kurosaki's hometown. No, my decision still stands. Kurosaki, you are to leave immediately for the world of the living to investigate this baffling rise of spirit pressure anomalies. That is all."

Hitsugaya felt something sink inside, watching in voiceless misery as Kurosaki easily assented.

_Don't go_.

Hitsugaya knew what the reports were about, and what was causing them.

_He knew but couldn't do a thing to stop him from going_.

~Living world~

The hell butterfly danced in the darkness, the blue of its wings a glow in the night surrounding him. Standing high above the skyline of his old town, Ichigo breathed in deeply. How many years had it been since he had traversed the streets as a teenager, beating up punks who had dared defile street side memorials?

Centuries it felt.

Ichigo glanced over the quiet, sleeping buildings, seeing nothing amiss, then he held his finger out. The dainty black legs of the butterfly perched there, "okay, show me where."

~*~

_The moon was large tonight_, Karin Kurosaki noted with faded interest. She hadn't been one to watch the moon or the night. Not liking the way the shadows crept nor the silence that enveloped the world when the sky went dark.

This night, more so than usual she felt it.

And felt fear.

Karin hated fear. Despised the feeling that made her breath short and her hands fumble with the keys. The old clinic was dark, most likely goatface and Yuzu were asleep. The thought of her sister's quiet peace soothed her somewhat and stilled her jitters.

_She would keep as quiet as possible so as not to_--

A crash came from behind her.

Karin started and reflexively her hand opened, the keys tumbled to the pavement with a clatter.

She spun around, her eyes darting nervously up and down the block. _What had made the sound?!_ Her gaze alighted on a medium-sized dog running from a trash can at the end of the street. Karin's shoulders slumped and she laughed quietly to herself. _How ridiculous she was! Getting frightened over that!_ She knelt down to retrieve the fallen keys.

A shadow fell over her...

~*~

Ichigo heard the scream even before he had sensed the unknown spirit pressure.

His hand went to the bandaged hilt over his shoulder; the hell butterfly swooped low then swung over into his old street. Swiftly Ichigo flash-stepped past it, putting into practice all those moves Yoruichi had taught him.

He was upon it before it had even turned.

The back was small, the head was dark.

With a wild yell, he brought down Zangetsu, his mind barely registering the older, grown up version of the sister he hadn't seen in years, backed up against the car door, fear in her eyes.

Then, for one heart-stopping moment, the creature turned.

Ichigo saw its face.

Nostalgia overcame him.

It was like when they first met, but now...

Their positions were horribly, irrevocably reversed.

Rukia stared back at him with no recognition in her crazed violet-blue eyes.

_He had found her at last_.

But, Ichigo couldn't forget the sight of the hole going straight through her chest where her heart had been.

The empty chain of fate.

~To be continued ~

AN: ;.; thanks for reading!

No flames-haters-stupid comments! I mean it!

Reviews appreciated ^^


	5. The fate that befell her

"Rukia?"

She never thought the moment it fell from his lips, that she could ever feel anything again.

The hunger was all there had been before. This gnawing, aching emptiness in the center of her being. An emptiness that she longed to fill.

"Rukia?!" Again. More forceful. His eyes held the look of a drowning man glimpsing the far shore at last. It was hope. And it was _emotion_. The vague part of human consciousness was aware of his sword shaking with the force of that feeling. The strength of his relief overpowered the ignorance he was displaying.

_Did he not see it? _

The knowledge of that thing, that void within her body was overwhelming. It was the undeniable attestation that she never left Hueco Mundo alive. Yet, he was looking at it.

Looking at her without the slightest trace of repulsion.

He wasn't condemning her for it.

She saw his broad, protecting hand, the hand that grasped the hilt of his sword so tightly and never let go; reach for her.

_Her_.

All he saw was something that resembled-but wasn't the woman he knew. Not anymore.

_I am a Hollow_. It was ingrained in her consciousness. _I am not Rukia Kuchiki_. She sensed more than heard Karin Kurosaki's whimpers of horror. _Did the girl recognize her?_ _Even if she didn't_. Rukia remembered _her_.

"Rukia! Dammit! Look at me!" He was touching her now. Grabbing the shoulders that barely felt like shoulders, like a stranger in her own body, she slowly tilted her head up at him. This was the longest she'd managed to retain her humanity, but even with that realization; she felt the darkness start to creep into her mind. And with that the hunger came.

*Flashback*

All was quiet in the tower room.

The monster's voice silenced at last.

Rukia awoke with a small cry, her fingers taut about the broken Sode no Shirayuki flexed. her first conscious recollection was that of Orihime and of Kaien's words. _I can't die here_, she thought fiercely, attempting the simple action of rising.

Blubbing sounds, sticky sounds like that of many suctions cups sucking greedily to the floor filled her ears. But that...

Her eyes widened with horror.

She was alone. So, that could only be...her head turned sharply against the soaked fabric of her kimono clad shoulder. The cry that left her lips was no longer human.

_How..? _

The first questions that clouded her mind were irrational. The product of a mind numbed by shock and disbelief on what had transpired. She refused to believe it. After all weren't her thoughts to this point fueled by reason and not animalistic instinct?

_This could not be_. She shut her eyes determinedly, silently counting to ten in her mind.

_Ten_.

Think of Inoue.

_Nine_.

Think of her friend's fear.

_Eight_.

Think of her brother.

_Seven._

Think of Renji and their pact.

_Six_.

Think of Ichigo's sisters curled up at his bedside.

_Five_.

Kaien.

_Four_.

I won't die here.

_Three_.

"We'll become one!" The monster's words as Shirafune sliced through the imitation of Kaien's likeness.

_Two_.

Ichigo...and what couldn't be.

_One_.

Rukia was afraid to open her eyes.

She didn't want to see the gelatinous, pulsing mass of Hollowified flesh that was part of her now. She didn't want to feel the horror and despair seeping into her soul, corrupting it with hopelessness. And most of all...

"Rukia."

"Nii-sama." She didn't want to open her eyes and face the man whom had done so much for her. "Don't look at me." In the darkness and shadows of the ruined tower, Byakuya's presence a mixture of warmth tempered by unyielding strength, soothed her and kept the darkness at bay.

"Where are you?" Steady. Calm. Always so calm.

The tentacles that had become flaccid and still upon his step in the echoing vastness of the palace, withdrew, slithering soundlessly into themselves. _Was this what Kaien felt when he was possessed?_ She was filled with the awareness of them melding into her form, becoming a part of her. As they were now. _To just be sure_, she told herself, tugging apart the sides of her bloodied kimono to hang open.

Rukia breathed in shallowly stepping out into the light and before Byakuya's motionless figure.

She admired his composure even as his slate gaze wandered from her bowed head to the hole where her heart had been.

"Rukia..." his tone deepened, but he didn't reach for Senbonzakura.

Instead...

He cupped her face in his hands and said quietly, "I've failed."

*Present day*

"Rukia!"

_That name_.

"I've found you." So, much emotion. It hurt to hear it. It was the voice that belonged to light, to hope and to the past. _I can never go back._ Those were the words she had repeated to herself over and over. _It's too_...

She knew he saw the paleness of her skin, the sharpness of her teeth pulling back into an asinine grin. She couldn't warn, she couldn't make no sounds save for the growling, snarling sounds in the back of her throat as she lunged for his shoulder. The fabric ripped beneath her canines, the blood gushed warmly into her mouth.

_Late_.

~To be continued~

AN: thanks for reading ^^

No flames-haters-stupid comments!

Reviews appreciated ^^


	6. Chapter 6

She tried not to be disappointed.

After all Kurosaki-kun had promised albeit vaguely to make it up to her later on. Orihime took it to mean _he wanted to stay with her but duty called_. Sighing softly to herself, she clasped her hands to her bosom, imagining all the times they would spend together and how much she'd make him smile and laugh..So caught up was Orihime in her dream that she almost came upon them, arguing in covert tones around the corner.

_..Rangiku?_

"-but, Captain!"

Orihime became still, hovering in the shadows of the building.

"I have a bad feeling about this. Kurosaki can't keep his emotions in check when it comes to her! You know this, but you still..." Toshiro allowed his sentence to drop off. All was quiet for a time; Orihime longed to know whom the girl was that they were talking about, but somehow sensed it was a private conversation_. If she intruded now, they would_--

"You're saying...Orihime-chan doesn't have a chance?" Rangiku sounded, defeated, bitter.

Orihime felt her happiness drain away. In the darkness of the dimly lit street, she raised her fist to her mouth, biting down so she wouldn't let out a cry and betray that she had been listening.

"It's always been..." Toshiro hesitated, a great weariness creeping into his voice that Orihime had never heard before. One of pity. "Kuchiki for Kurosaki."

There it was.

Orihime found herself floundering in the sea of the doubt she couldn't face. Didn't want to. She didn't want to believe a heart as steadfast as Kurosaki-kun's, could hold onto the memory of the dead Kuchiki-san. Orihime wanted to believe in his heart but as holding onto the memory, but not the feelings. She had tried-oh she tried for so long before to look away from their glances to each other. Their deep understanding and of no words needed to convey his hurt and her decision when they had parted after Kuchiki-san's rescue in Soul Society.

_Orihime desperately tried to hide her pain when Kuchiki-san came back and brought a smile to Kurosaki-kun's face, knowing she wasn't the one he needed_...

" The Senkai-mon is ready." Toshiro's voice brought her back to reality. "I'm going. Don't try to stop me."

Orihime dared not move.

Rangiku called after him, "wait, Captain."

Toshiro stopped. "What is it?"

"What will you do once..." Rangiku seemed unable to finish.

"I will do what is necessary." his tone was devoid of emotion.

In the silence that followed, Rangiku's sigh was deep, "Orihime-chan, come out. I know you heard us..."

~Living world~

"Go...Karin." His voice was strained. His free arm he wrapped about the small trembling shoulders, quiet sobs rocking her body.

His sister stared up at him with eyes he despised.

No recollection, no reminiscence or snapping anger in her eyes.

Indeed it was as if Karin was looking at a stranger.

Ichigo had known the memories of him and of the entire war would be erased. It was easier this way, the one compromise his dad insisted on. No more of his family would be sacrificed to the whims of Soul Society.

_Maybe it was better_..._ the old Karin wouldn't have listened to him_.

Karin picked herself up off the ground, never taking her eyes off of.._Rukia_.

It was her. Ichigo knew it was. _Who else was so midget-like to fit inside his arms just so, her head resting against his shoulder?_ He ignored the wet stickiness making the cloth of the Shihakusho cling to his skin. _It was Rukia, dammit!_

His mind refused to accept the darkness emanating from the hole in her chest.

"Ichi..go."

"Yeah, Rukia?" Karin's hurried footsteps had receded into the old clinic. _His old home_. In his mind's eye, he could still see the day they first met, the day when his world was changed forever. "Will you do something for me?" Her voice sounded pained, labored as if each breath was a struggle for her sanity.

Ichigo closed his eyes, his hand leaving Zangetsu to slide through her hair. "Anything." It bothered him in some far corner of his thoughts, the reason why Hitsugaya hadn't wanted him to be chosen for the mission to the living world. _It was almost as if he_...

"Then...kill me..."

~To be continued~

AN: thanks for reading (^-^) and thanks to everyone who reviewed last time!

No flames-haters-stupid comments!

Reviews appreciated! ^^


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